A certain episode lasting barely 10 seconds or so in February 2015 left me in a state.... The sound of revved engines and the sight of someone left me mentally stunned.
A state i had not been in years. My reactions shocked a part of me, one that had sanity alive; while the other felt conflicted and battled the strength to get up. It was awful, it was miserable, or to quote someone, I was depressive.
When I was first told I was depressive I knew what I was and why. The person voicing it was my reason for what I had become. I had let him. Was I depressive? not at all. But i was deeply wounded and felt a failure. Never in my life had I known resignation and failure. There. in my 20s. It boxed me time and again.
A good friend, also a damned good psychologist, was shocked to see what I had and though she did not voice it to me then; she instantly had her therapy mode kick in; although how I recovered is another story.
The harsh truth is, I just found out 72 hours ago i suffer from a mix of PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome.
1. I cannot imagine the damage i must have done to the world in my internal conflicts, which have been aplenty since 2004, moments, hours, days, weeks of. To everyone who saw it and still stands by me: thank you.
2. I am glad i was aware of my internal conflict. The sad part is I did have mood swings, thus far always attributed to my zodiac sign. There were times I knew of my mood swings but could never explain to anyone why i endured and had them: the episode is over. Pick yourself up. And all those dialogues which people love labelling you as a weakling for.
Of course my biggest "dont go down there" was when my sister broke down because it tore her apart when she saw me. I was unreachable, incommunicable, and worst of all I was lost and unambitious. This was not the sister she and our parents raised.
It takes a terrible lot to laugh again, to trust others again, and perhaps the biggest leap of faith: trusting oneself again.
".. and the fault is my own and the fault is my own"
what is odd is the ultimate truth the healer becomes the wounder. "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain"
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